Do you remember in middle school when they would ask “what base did you get to?!” And the blushing girl would respond “one!”. Well, it turns out there is something important to say about bases- plot twist, it has nothing to do with holding hands or that first smooch.
/ / / /
Through my relationships before marriage, I struggled to see the importance of building strong bases. Or, If I am being honest, I refused to do the work. I wanted to enjoy the easy stuff and stay far away from the vulnerable stuff. I didn’t let people in, I skipped right ahead to things less personal. I headed down paths towards superficial relationships that I hoped would blossom and just work. I just wanted for once something to work out so I ignored the truth staring me in the face. We weren’t a sustainable couple.
Compatibility is your basic meshing with a person of interest. Their likes, dislikes and values compared side by side to your own until they reveal a result that reads “compatible” or “next!”.
Compatibility doesn’t always mean that you like the same exact things as your partner. It means that whatever the likes and dislikes happen to be, you are prepared to groove with them. Discovering compatibility also means learning about his values. This can only be learned through spending ample amount of time together doing activities that leave room for conversation and possible interaction with friends, children, animals, etc. Knowing what someone’s favorite food is nice but tells you nothing of the caliber of person you’re dealing with. Yes, the fact that he enjoys hiking is fantastic but who in the Northwest doesn’t like hiking? If you find someone who doesn’t, “next” them real quick for they cannot be trusted. Hiking, while a wonderful hobby, does not reveal his character, however, getting lost while hiking… now that’s more like it. Let’s see how that scenario would pan out. Is there panic and frustration? Complete with profanities and raised voices? Or, calm and collective leadership that keeps both of you on track to solving your problem. Did he prepare or did he waltz into the woods with an invincible attitude? Whatever he reveals to you, ask yourself, “do I admire his behavior? Is there harmony there?
How does he behave around children? Does he engage with them and do you see patience? Is he an avid saver or splurge’aholic? Speaking of “aholic” does he enjoy his drink too much? Does he hear you when you speak about your interest and does he show support towards your dreams? Ladies, these are all good qualities to be aware of. Spending time with this person in all kinds of situations reveals what kind of person they truly are. If these qualities aren’t harmonious with your own, you know what to say…
If your tummy squirms and is unsure, take that reaction for what it is, and say “NEXT!”. If your values are similar enough than keep building your base. Just promise me one thing, If you have discovered there are character flaws that you cannot overlook do not layer on excuse after excuse for him. No, his face isn’t worth it, the fancy dates aren’t worth it, and getting under the sheets will never be worth it.
Seeing someone at “their worst” should never serve as an excuse for bad behavior, but rather as a magnifying glass into that person’s character.
If your stomach and your brain are telling you something different, don’t keep trying to build.
When I look back at the graveyard base collection of my life I see many half built pyramids, in fact some just have a few bricks. All but one was completed and left standing. I couldn’t have placed the final piece of that pyramid if it weren’t for the solid base we built together.
Keep building bases and never be afraid to walk away if it doesn’t feel right.