Birthday; Blow em' out
Twenty- six illuminated candles danced and I readied myself to blow them out.
I sat there for the better half of a few seconds, stone faced, starring at the cake.
My family, waited anxiously to dive into the red velvety heaven - but I continued to stare.
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I stray the furthest from God in those moments of self desire. Pondering over all the “what if’s”, dreaming of golden doodles, tiny houses, a trip to Everest, and obviously the library from Beauty and the Beast. I race through all the possibilities; hold tight to all the earthly stuff.
In order to have those things, work has to be done, plans need to be made, and even before that.. God’s hand’s need to be in it. Inviting God into my life has made all the difference for me. He's like this perfectly timed traffic light that tells you when to “GO!”, slam on the brakes, and sometimes just slow down a tad bit.
He’s the initiator of all possibilities - the conjuror of wishes come true.
I awoke being officially twenty-six years old - wandered through our homey Seattle apartment, wondering how in the world did I get here? I was crying in my college room terrified for the future just three years ago and now I’m here - teaching what I love, creating, married to Scott, and dreaming of many backpacking adventures. It’s a lot of change for three short years, and I’m slowly settling into those changes.
About two years ago there was this moment and I remember well because it was wrapped around heartbreak - shocking. I was laying in my mom’s bed as she tried to console me and offer wisdom and in that moment I threw all of my wishes away. I tossed them in the garbage. I prayed and begged God to remove my selfishness and turn off my control freak mentality. For so long I was unwilling to let God into my life, especially my love life because I didn’t trust Him. I didn't trust He knew what I longed for, or would remember all of my sufferings and the vulnerability that came with those. I threw it all away and said “I give up”, I give You the wheel and I’ll close my eyes as You plow through stop signs, sail Your way through green lights and pump the brakes when I would rather dive head over heels. The moment I gave it all to Him and truly, full heartedly wanted what HE wanted for me I actually started living.
Over the course of the next six months and all the months to follow God showed me His plans for me - things fell into place with ease and satisfaction. I fell in love with the concept of God’s timing being wiser than any of my wildest dreams. It seemed I was always in the right place at the right time, why? Because I listened. I listened for His approval, guidance, and love and I absolutely fell in love with Him and wanted all of His wants and wishes. His wishes were bigger than my own and it turns out he knew exactly what I longed for because He gave me Scott - again. Through the reestablishment of our relationship and now marriage I am sold for life on the knowledge of God’s timing. I want God’s timing for everything in my life because I trust He knows what’s needed and what can wait.
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As a dance teacher I find myself pulling in this concept of “perfect timing” when we practice what is called “improvisational dance” or for short “improv”. In improv we practice the ability to “turn off the brain” and just move. We move with an impulse that differs between dancer to dancer. You could call this a dancer’s “groove”. It’s the movement that feels good and fits like a glove on their body, it’s the feeling you get when you walk off the floor and have zero recollection of what just transpired. We take this process a step further by involving two individuals to Improv together and this often involves contact between the two movers. In order for this improv to be successful the two dancers must submit to one another not allowing themselves to take the role as “leader” or “follower” but rather, allowing the movement itself to become the leader. If they continue to fight the surrender process they will find their movement sloppy, rushed, and incomplete. If both surrender to the process they will find themselves moving at a slower pace, equal effort will be shared, and experience a fluidity that carries them across the floor. Allowing the movement to teach you and carry you involves less work on your part, and more enjoyment as you simply allow the dance to happen.
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So - when I think back to my candles and my deepest wish I took a moment to reel myself back in, stared at my cake and pray for one simple wish:
That this twenty-sixth year would be full of God’s timing and plans that make my head spin. I pray He pushes me further out of my comfort zone. That He would “wow” us, challenge us, and make me brave. I know He knows my heart and my deepest desires, and He has a plan for those things. I will surrender to His timing, to His movement and allow the dance to be. He is my favorite dance partner and when I summit to Him I get excited because I know He’s going to move me across that floor in ways I never dreamt of being possible.
Let go, and know that he knows what you want.
Surrender to the dance.