Before me.

Picture this,

an undoubtably handsome prince, perched on his mighty throne.

And, I his faithful servant, anxiously awaiting the day he invites me to sit beside him.

This was my pattern for longer than I care to remember. 

/ / / / 

Placing a dating partner at the center of your life while ignoring your foundation will only lead to heartbreak and disaster. I experienced that over and over.  Before I found my foundation I was living as if the current man in my life was my night and morning star, and I allowed him to dictate my life. I was told by many people that I needed to take a break and spend time achieving my own “self happiness”. I hated this advice and found it down right depressing. What was wrong with me? Why did they all run away from me as if I had a hideous witch wart on my nose. It has taken me around four years to grow into this understanding: 

 No human has the ability of fill your love tank to it’s full capacity. To succeed in such a task would leave that individual in ruins and a slave to your happiness. We must always fill our own tanks and allow significant others to add the final drops of water, to fill us to the brim. 

/ / / / 

Now, there are a TON of ways to word this, and I know you’ve heard at least one…

- Stay true to yourself.

- Never lose yourself.

- Don’t give him/her that much control.

These “mantras” can serve as reminders to keep your love tank supply coming from you and not someone else. While dating it can become easy to pour everything from our tank into the other person’s in hopes of them doing the same. This doesn’t always happen, and we find ourselves upset because we feel the love we have poured out is not being returned. In reality could it be that this individual does not NEED you? And, is that such a bad thing? I don’t know anyone in my life who would genuinely want a person that needed them, desperately needed them to fulfill all the desires of the heart and support all of their weaknesses. I realize now that I did in fact have a hideous witch wart on my nose, and that wart had a name, Neediness. Neediness was my wart’s name. 

My need was for my water tank to be filled. However, I was looking to the wrong source. What is your source? I searched over and over for someone to be my source. 

/ / / / 

All those years, I was looking to the individuals in my life as my source and it caused me to wander through thirsty deserts. The “mantras” above are truthful and can help you towards a path of change - but they can be refined to an even deeper level.

“You shall have no other gods before Me.” - Exodus 20:3

You could look at this as dependency on anything aside from God, which only leads to unbalanced situations - you never want to place a person above your own needs as an individual. My needs were for spiritual growth and maturity, and I learned that the only source I needed for that was God. I didn’t need a man to teach me, I didn’t need to achieve certain goals. I needed to listen and slow down. Placing God at the forefront of my mind and allowing him to be my filter. My source was cleaner and pure and it satisfied me. I could trust him to point me in the right direction when making decisions about relationships. With my new found source I felt comfortable and honestly excited to take that hiatus my friends and family encouraged me to take. I didn’t feel depressed and lonely as I explored what my heart truly desired. It turns out my heart wanted a type of “savior”, and I thought that role belonged to whoever I was suppose to marry.  Wrong. So, so terribly wrong. I was looking for perfection in all the earthly places. You cannot expect godly perfection in a human, but you can expect nothing less from the One that created you. 

I would ask you this question, “where do you look for your source of fulfillment?” 

I know that I am flawed in many ways; that my ways are sometimes the totally wrong ways. That the desires of my heart are sometimes full of selfishness. I need a perfect example to look to and strive towards. If I continue to live for myself or for others I will find myself dissatisfied and beat down consistently.

But when I walk towards Christ, my tank overflows.

It floods into my heart and seeps into every corner where heartbreak use to live. 

I choose Him for my source, forever.

- Vivian